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Oct. 21st, 2009 @ 12:20 pm Should We Really Be Fighting a Three-Front War?

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

First, we de-planeted Pluto.

Then we bombed the moon.

Yesterday, one of the space scientists who helped find water on the moon was arrested for espionage.

This can only mean one thing: SPACE WAR. Now we can try to guess what our next target will be. Mars? That annoyingly smug Mercury? Europa?

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Oct. 10th, 2009 @ 09:40 pm Running Man

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

I’m working on a post comparing the TV show FlashForward to the Left Behind series, but it’s taking a while. To keep you entertained in the meantime, I give you Canabalt. It’s a minimalist game created for the Experimental Gameplay Project, whose theme in August was “Bare Minimum”. You play a man running to escape a city being destroyed by giant robots. There’s only one button: jump. There’s only six colors.

I can’t stop playing it.

In the last few weeks Eli and I have been playing a lot of Flash-based games in the evening. I’ll have to see what he thinks of this one.

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Oct. 9th, 2009 @ 06:53 pm The Most Widespread Internet Memes

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

What do you think are the most widespread Internet memes? Bonus points if you explain why.

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Sep. 24th, 2009 @ 01:50 pm Hobbit 419

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

Dear MR BAGGINS, Fellow Conspirator,

I am Thorin Oakenshield, descendant of Thrain the Old and grandson of Thror who was King under the Mountain. I am writing you to discuss our plans, our ways, means, policy and devices for rescuing our treasure from the dragon Smaug.

During the reign of Thror our kingdom was a prosperous one. Kings used to send for our smiths, and reward even the least skillful most richly. Fathers would beg us to take their sons as apprentices, and pay us handsomely, especially in food-supplies, which we never bothered to grow or find for ourselves. Altogether those were good days for us, and the poorest of us had money to spend and to lend, and leisure to make beautiful things just for the fun of it, not to speak of the most marvellous and magical toys, the like of which is not to be found in the world now-a-days.

Undoubtedly that was what brought the dragon. Dragons steal gold and jewels from men and elves and dwarves, wherever they can find them; and they guard their plunder as long as they live (which is practically for ever, unless they are killed), and never enjoy a brass ring of it. There was a most specially greedy, strong and wicked worm called Smaug. One day he flew up into the air and came south. The dragon settled on our mountain in a spout of flame and routed out all the halls, and lanes, and tunnels, alleys, cellars, mansions and passages. After there were no dwarves left alive inside the mountain he took all their wealth for himself.

In view of this, I received your contact through a friend and counselor, an ingenious wizard, who noted you as a Burglar who wants a good job, plenty of Excitement and reasonable Reward. And I and my twelve companions have agreed to give you 10% of the total gold and jewels that the dragon Smaug now rests upon if you can join us on our long journey. When you have agreed please tell us the place where you dwell and send one hundred pence so that we might travel to you.

Please hold what I have told you in strict confidence and I look forward to your earliest response.

THORIN OAKENSHIELD

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Sep. 23rd, 2009 @ 08:27 am Regencies and Revenants

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

For a Dragon*ConTV bumper this year, I made up names of books that might follow “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”. I had “Beowerewolf”, “Grave Expectations”, “Vampire Fair”, “Jude the Undead”, and “Northanger Abbey But This Time Catherine Starts Fires With Her Mind”, among others. I’d thought I’d covered the waterfront.

Then I saw the announcement from Publishers Lunch.

Sarah Gray’s WUTHERING BITES, a retelling of Wuthering Heights in which Heathcliff is a vampire, to John Scognamiglio at Kensington, in a very nice deal, for publication in September 2010, by Evan Marshall at Evan Marshall Agency (World).

Real life is so often funnier than I can ever hope to be.

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Sep. 15th, 2009 @ 11:10 pm Suburban Fantasy

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

His roar, even from the garage, shook the walls of the bedroom where I was busily ironing ruffled shirts. The outside door slammed open, adding to the collection of dents in the wall, and Javier Rodriguez de Orbaneja stalked in. I glanced up at him, then away. It’s never a good idea to lock eyes with an alpha creature, even one I was married to.

“Where is it?” he asked, the click of his fangs punctuating his question.

“Where’s what?”

“Do not toy with me, Kym. My pegboard.” He was suddenly behind me. I’d never seen him move. He had to be upset; Javier knew how much it bothered me when he did that. “I had a second piece prepared for my tools, and now when I prepare to attach it to the wall, I find that it is missing.”

I breathed in his scent, a twinned smell of fabric softener from his clothes and mahogany from his coffin that still lingered on his skin. “I haven’t seen it.” I ducked under the ironing board and walked into the garage.

He was already there. “Dear, you know I don’t like you moving faster than I can see.”

He wasn’t listening. Javier had lifted one pale hand to point, finger trembling, at the garage wall. “You see? The first piece is complete, lacking only its mate.” The hanging piece of pegboard was immaculate, with outlines for all of his tools. It reminded me of a crime scene, tape marking the spot where corpses had fallen. I was all too familiar with those scenes.

“I expect you loaned it to Arkas.”

Javier growled softly. I watched the fluorescent light play along the angular planes of his face. “Child, I would remember had I done that.”

It was my turn to growl. “Look, you may remember fighting the Grande Armée, but you have trouble remembering what we had for dinner yesterday morning.” First he pulled his his Road Runner tricks, then he reminded me of the three centuries that separated our dates of birth.

“Roast duck and pinot noir, and my usual glass of blood.” He ran his hand through his shock of pale white hair. “Mi amor, I am sorry. You are correct.”

I hugged him tight, feeling the heat leech slowly out of me as I did. “It’s not the pegboard that’s bothering you.”

“It’s not the pegboard,” he agreed.

I held him tighter. “You knew this would be an adjustment.”

“I know. But I miss it so!” The arm he had wrapped around me flung wide, gesturing dramatically. “The city! How could we leave it! The nightlife! The parties!”

“The crime. The late-night calls from the police.” I toyed with the blackout curtains covering the garage windows.

“I shall never have that pegboard back from Arkas, even were I to press the matter. If I offend him, he might retaliate.” Arkas and his wife, a dryad named Erato, were some of the newly-public Greek figures of myth. They had been hiding from mortals for thousands of years, only now revealing their existence as more and more supernatural creatures revealed themselves. One of Arkas’s neighbors had made fun of Erato’s oak tree, so Arkas convinced Demeter to fill that neighbor’s yard with kudzu.

I shivered, not liking where the conversation had wandered. “We can get another.”

“Just so.” Javier paused and sniffed. “What, pray tell, is that ungodly smell?”

“Oh, crap.” I banged open the door to the house and ran back into the bedroom, yanking the iron off of the now-burnt shirt. “Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.”

Javier picked up his shirt, admiring how it shaded from its original pearl white to brown. The ruffles on the front were especially burnt. “This would certainly be a new look for me.”

“Crap. Four years of college and I still can’t iron shirts.”

“You did not study home economics, you studied forensics.” He held his shirt up against him, as if he might actually wear it.

“Whose fault was that?” I’d wanted to drop out of college, but Javier wouldn’t let me. Even before we were married he bossed me around. I supposed he was right. If I ever had to get a normal job with a police department, the degree would help. But, really, what does a girl who can talk to ghosts need a forensics degree for?

“Knock, knock!” Philip stuck his shaggy head in our front door. “Hey, Kym. Hey, Roddy. You guys ready?”

Javier tensed. One alpha male was bad enough, but having two in the same room could be deadly. Philip had always been very determined, a useful trait in a professional assassin, but now that he was a child of Lycaon, he was more alpha than ever. Unfortunately being a werewolf meant that he no longer had good control of his emotions. He’d had to give up being an assassin and fall back on his earlier training as an accountant.

“To what do you refer?” Javier asked. I could have chilled wine with his tone.

“Boys, boys, settle down.” I stepped between them, making sure not to meet either of their eyes. Philip had never taken it well that I had chosen Javier over him. “I’m sure Philip was making sure we were coming to the homeowners association meeting tonight.”

“It’s going to be a doozy.” Philip’s grin revealed his strong white teeth. “Haven’t you heard? They want to pass an ordnance to keep people from covering any windows that face the street. The better for property values, they say.”

“They can’t!” I said, as Javier said, “Mierda.”

“They can and they will. Better get a move on.”

I was already in motion. Ten seconds later I had my go-bag in one hand and a scratched book in the other. I’d laughed at Javier when he gave me the homeowners association bylaws. The leather-bound volume seemed ridiculously over-the-top for a collection of rules and regulations. But after last year’s battle over allowable shades of house paint had come to blows and the book had stopped a neighbor’s claw from going through my chest, I stopped scoffing at Javier’s gift. “Let’s go.”

Javier took my hand and squeezed it. He stared, seeing some ancient bit of history unfurling in his mind. “There’s always another battle, eh, mi amor?”

“Don’t worry.” I hefted my bag, listening to the stakes, holy water, and back copies of the Skeptic Magazine jostling together. “We’re ready for this one.”

I had no idea how wrong I was.

–from my forthcoming book, “Subdivisions and Succubi”.

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Sep. 9th, 2009 @ 08:13 pm I’ve Been Cosplayed

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

You may remember that, two years ago during Dragon*Con, I spontaneously ended up on stage leading the audience in singing Re Your Brains. At the time I described it as the most surreal moment I’d experienced.

It’s been trumped: this year I was cosplayed. Check this business out.

Two people cosplaying from our Code Monkey video

These two strolled into my space panel on the Pioneer Effect and what’s wrong with gravity, a panel that went so well that I distilled the experience down and am selling it as awesomesauce. I mainly noticed the fellow on the right, because he was wearing the same mask as we used in our Code Monkey video. “Huh,” I thought, “that’s a weird coincidence.”

After the panel they approached me. “We loved the Code Monkey video!” they said. “Since we’re dressed like in the video, can we get our picture with you?” I said yes, and only belatedly realized that the guy on the left is supposed to be me in the video. That is both fabulous and spooky.

The other bit that left me rather shaken came as part of the Dragon*Con Late Show. Every morning at 9 AM, Brian Richardson, Ally Pelphrey and I went through new schedule changes and recommended stuff to see during the day. It was a live show that was broadcast throughout all four convention host hotels.

Picture of the Dragon*Con Late Show, copyright 2009 Derek DeWeese

(Photo copyright 2009 Derek DeWeese)

Since it was being broadcast live, we had to do the show on the stage in the Hyatt’s big Centennial ballroom, since that’s the only room with a live TV feed available. We’d never done this before, so Friday morning was our first chance to see how it went. No sweat, I thought. We were recording an hour before the first panel, and who shows up for a 10 AM panel on Friday morning?

The crowd in Centennial, who were not waiting to see us, I assure you

(Photo copyright 2009 Derek DeWeese)

William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy were on the 10 AM panel. We got to do our first ever live show in front of 1,500 people who were most assuredly not there to see my Shatner impersonation. It went well, but I don’t think I stopped shaking from the adrenaline for thirty minutes afterward. If you’re having trouble waking up, I recommend the experience to fix that for you.

Misty and I survived Dragon*Con 2009, and indeed had a wonderful time doing so. We got to hang with a lot of old friends and spend time with new ones, and if my ego was assuaged by people telling us how awesome Dragon*Con TV is, well, them’s the breaks.

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Sep. 1st, 2009 @ 02:46 pm What I’m Doing at Dragon*Con 2009

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

Because you are all desperate to know what I’m doing at all times, here are the talks I’m scheduled to give at the Dragon*Con SFF convention this weekend. If you stop by any of the panels, come say hi!

Creating Dragon*Con TV
Friday 4:00 PM, Hilton room 204
Join the folks who write, and produce Dragon*Con TV; now a popular video podcast. You watched, you laughed, you relate – now come see how they do it.

(How we do it: we all get together and frantically make jokes in an attempt to fill the dead air.)

What’s Wrong With Gravity: The Pioneer Anomaly
Friday 5:30 pm, Hilton 203
Pioneer 10 is being dragged towards the Sun & we don’t know why! Is the slow down because of the probe itself, or, is something wrong with gravity?!

(I swear, I didn’t put either that extra comma or the ending exclamation point in the original description.)

Evil Geniuses for a Better Tomorrow: 7th Annual Recruiting Session & Bake Sale
Saturday 4:00 pm, Hilton Crystal Ballroom
Professional EGs discuss methods of taking over the world for fun & profit while avoiding common mistakes made by film & TV villains.

(It’s a Q&A-type panel where I also get to explain how I’m going to take over the world using biology.)

What The Cast – Live!
Sunday 10:00 am, Hilton 204
Brian, Crispy and Patrick (also of Dragon*Con TV) bring their chaotic and hilarious “What The Cast” back to Dragon*Con.

(I’m in there as well, honest.)

Quantum Encryption – Is It the Perfect Encryption Technique?
Sunday 5:30 pm, Hilton 202
Encryption has long been an arms race: every new cipher leads to better code-breaking tools. Have we finally reached the end of that arms race?

(Hint: no, and no.)

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Aug. 29th, 2009 @ 07:29 pm It’s My Birthday! Go Me!

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
I got a new videogame that lets me drop-kick APCs before killing all of my enemies with fleshy tentacles that erupt from my back
Happy birthday to me!

I’ve been offline most of today, and I don’t see that really changing this evening when I’ve got videogame parkour to do. See you on Monday.

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Aug. 4th, 2009 @ 08:59 pm “That’ll Give Us Enough Money to Save the Orphanage!”

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

TV’s Spatch, friend to animals everywhere, pointed out 80s Ending, a 2003 short that is indeed the ending to every 1980s teen comedy ever. It starts slow but picks up nicely as it goes. Be sure to hold on until the Baltimora song starts up.

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Jul. 24th, 2009 @ 11:52 am In Honor of Liza’s New Obsession

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

Dora the Ford Explorer

(Taken from elsewhere.)

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Jul. 20th, 2009 @ 01:43 pm Gun Sold Separately

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

We were in Kroger at midnight picking up supplies for tomorrow’s breakfast when my friend Jess saw the following on an endcap:

Old Yeller dog food

Now, it’s been a while since I’ve owned a dog, but given what happens in the story, would you really want to feed this to your beloved pet?

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Jun. 24th, 2009 @ 11:56 am Soon-To-Be Trending Twitter Topics

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

Pirate pickup lines.

Which of Jon and Kate’s octuplets you’d like to be.

That one YouTube video that is unbelievably cute.

Tinted avatars as political activism.

Movie titles that are unintentionally creepy when muttered by Christopher Walken.

Robot sexual positions.

The YouTube video involving Keyboard Cat playing off that one unbelievably cute YouTube video.

Things that, when eaten, pass through the digestive system unchanged.

How Twitter is dying, nuh-uh is not, is too.

Any other suggestions?

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Jun. 16th, 2009 @ 06:11 pm Stay Alert! Trust No One! Keep Your Laser Handy!

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

Sunday night, for the first time in far too long, I ran a game of Paranoia.

Paranoia, for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, is an RPG originally published in the 1980s. It was an unholy union of Brave New World, 1984, and the Three Stooges. Players took on the role of Troubleshooters, hapless people in a futuristic underground complex run by the Computer, who is helpful yet insane, and who is entirely obsessed with rooting out traitors. As you might imagine, it finds a whole lot of traitors, especially since the players are given every reason to mistrust each other.

How’d it go? Towards the end of the night, a player managed to catch his one-ton power armor on fire. The fire broke through to the power unit, at which point the player managed to hit the explosive bolts, turning one giant exploding exoskeleton into a smaller exploding exoskeleton and many deadly flaming pieces of metal. Another player fired an experimental tangle gun to try to stop the metal, only to discover that the gun didn’t so much shoot sticky strands away from the user as drape those strands about the user. A third had little choice but to activate his experimental rocket boots, which consisted of two boots with twelve rockets each and a belt with twenty-four adjustable sliders, one for each of the rockets, making the whole get-up incredibly fiddly and near-impossible to use.

I don’t run Paranoia games because it gives me the chance to kill players. I run them because it gives me the chance to put tools in the players’ hands and let them kill themselves.

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Jun. 10th, 2009 @ 01:05 pm The 360 is Better Than Cats

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

Look what I got!

An Xbox 360

That’s right, thanks to Misty’s gift, I’ve leapt into the future of 2005. Finally I can play Bioshock on my TV, like God intended.

What’s that, Xbox 360? What do you mean, an interloper?

A picture of my first-generation Xbox

Oh, him? First-generation Xbox? He’s harmless. I mean, it’s not like he’s really any threat to someone like you, with your –

A closer view of the Xbox 360

Kill it? No! That’s crazy talk! That Xbox has served us faithfully. I’m going to send him to a farm in upstate New York, where he can frolic in the fields and –

A closer view of the Xbox 360

I won’t do it! I won’t!

Glaring red ring of death Xbox 360
A smashed original Xbox.

Oh, well. It had to be done.

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May. 30th, 2009 @ 09:03 pm We Have PhDs in Nerdiness

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

I admit it: I am in the Facebook, with the Twittering, the different technology that young people are using today. And occasionally we have very geeky conversations there.

Me: Five kids in the house = combinatoric explosion. No wonder interactive fiction authors avoid NPCs.

Glen: I just recently did that problem. Complexity scales as the number of pair interactions, plus a linear term in the number of children. Therefore two kids is three times as complicated as one; three is six times; four is ten times. I think the general formula is 1 + 2 + … + N for N kids.

Oh, and good luck. Having that many rugrats running around is pretty complicated!

Jeff: But aren’t some kids more complicated than others?

Glen: In a word, no. The proof is left as an exercise for the reader.

For bonus points, should this series have higher-order terms? Why or why not?

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May. 8th, 2009 @ 09:26 am Proofreading is Hard!

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

Optical Systems & Precision Comonents

I took this at the trade show I attended this week. The booth belonged to a major company, and clearly a lot of money had been spent on it.

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Apr. 24th, 2009 @ 02:46 pm My Bedtime as a Function of My Age

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

My bedtime as a function of my age
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Apr. 14th, 2009 @ 11:00 am If Christians Made Video Games Like We Make Shirts

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

Those of you who aren’t part of a more fundamental Christian group may have been spared the sight of what I call flair of the spirit. It’s a subset of Jesus Junk consisting mainly of shirts with retooled corporate logos. The companies peddling these shirts are fond of saying, “Change your shirt and change the world!”, I suppose because saving the cheerleader just led to more problems.

Three Jesus shirts: Faith Book, God is My Hero, and Hope

Surprisingly enough, Christian companies haven’t taken the same approach to making video games. Christian video games tend to be trivia games or, occasionally, reworked FPSes or real-time strategy games, but they’re never existing franchises with a Christian spin on them. Perhaps this is because making video games is hard, and companies like Nintendo and EA have hordes of lawyers that would crush a product that went beyond a logo parody.

But what if one brave company decided that the shirt-makers had the right idea? What if one company dared to make Christian videogames that did parody existing ones?

Risn 2 Life
Deus Ex
Super Savior Mario
God of Love
Final Fantasy
MetLord
Tomb Raider: Magdalene
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Apr. 3rd, 2009 @ 01:37 pm CRPG is CRPG

Originally published at Live Granades. Please leave any comments there.

As Misty will tell you with a sigh, I’m addicted to computer RPGs. Once I start one, I have difficulty doing anything else. Stats fiddling, exploring side quests, juggling inventory and selling off the useless cruft that accumulates — I love it all. In the 1990s I devoured Fallout and Planescape: Torment. I have a special weakness for BioWare’s games. In graduate school two friends and I played Baldur’s Gate II every Saturday for a couple of hours. Even now I’m finally working my way through Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.

Recent BioWare games sort your behavior into two categories, usually Manichaean good-and-evil ones. Last night, as I was selflessly refusing yet another reward for risking my life to rescue someone so I’d increase my goody-goody score, I wondered why it’s structured that way. Why, if you look out for yourself, do you get lumbered with evil points?

In short, where’s my Objectivist CRPG?

Sure, Bioshock played with the Objectivist theme, but I want an all-out Randian game that rewards my rational self-interest. When I refuse to give away the rakghoul serum I’ve recovered, instead choosing to sell it so I have the credits to further my worthy cause, I should be rewarded. When the Jedi order tries to force me to subsume my will to that of their collective, I should be allowed to resist and carve my own path through the universe, protecting my ideas and ideals while respecting the property of others.

Now I just need part ownership in BioWare or Obsidian Entertainment and a good licensed property. Do you think I could get the videogame rights to Atlas Shrugged?

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